Killing your soulmate for love
by The Real Blue Eyed Demon
Summary: Edward's thoughts the night of changing Bella.
1. Waiting

_**Killing your soulmate for love.**_

Disclaimer: Not mine, if it was it wouldn't be on the bestseller list.

Summery: Edward's thoughts the night of changing Bella.

**I warn you now this is the first thing I have written, ever, with the exception of term papers. I know it sucks, constructive criticism is appreciated, flames fuel my pyro habit. If you have a suggestion for my wrighting skills hit the little purple button. I have no idea what a Beta is but if you wanna, purple button, I'll _try_ to get in touch with you.  
Also so you should know this is not the kind of thing I would choose to wright, I like humor, but if you value your eyes, and souls, you will pray that I do not wright any.**

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I paced back and forth across the floor, staring to the glistening hardwood not really seeing it. So many emotions were pouring from me that I wasn't surprised when Jasper flinched. He was so sensitive, and the waves of feeling pouring off me like water must have been so hard for him. Anger, pain, self-loathing, love. They burned through me leaving a dull numbness where they were, my body trying to prepare me for the ordeal I would endure tonight.

I suddenly turned to glared at the offending clock that ticked at manic pace ever closer to the hour that I would have to kill the love of my life. I could hear them upstairs, I could hear _her_. Her heart beat was jumpy, exited? Scared? I stole another glance at Jasper, His face was expressionless he was still reading his war novel. I started pacing again.

At that moment Emmett came bursting down the stairs shouting and whooping. "She's almost ready!" He always get so exited over things, though to be fair, Bella is the little sister he's always wanted. The idea of making her less breakable was 'exceptional' to him. I sighed and listened to Carlisle and Esme's gentle footsteps and mutterings in the upper room... My room, her room, the room I would end her life in.

I had to stop these thoughts were killing me. I took one more glare at the ornate gold and brass demon clock and briefly pondered the consequences of shattering it into a million shiny pieces. Jasper sighed at my sudden surge of hate. "Edward, calm down and quit giving the clock a death glare. I don't care how much you think so, it doesn't deserve it." His soft, calm voice and the sudden suspicious wave of ease that settled over me, comforted me... A little.

I still paced, wearing a hole in the decorative rug Esme had gotten from India so many years ago. I smiled at the memory of that day. Esme had been arguing with the little brown man in the stall while Jasper and Emmett, mostly Emmett had come up with the idea to go peacock hunting. It had not gone well. Emmett hopped off the couch I'm surprised he had been silent so long. "Come on Edward, you can't still be upset that our little Bella is finally gonna really join our family?" I stared at him in shock. "You do realize that in fifteen minutes I'm going up there to kill the woman I love!" I nearly screamed. He looked taken aback.

Jasper placed a marker in his book, then rose and left the room.

"Edward, your taking this too seriously." The soft musical chime of Alice's voice called from the kitchen, they must have just got back. "I am not taking this to seriously, Bella is about to loose her soul because she fell in love with a monster, fell in love with _me_." I gasp out. I sat down with my head in my hands.

Rosalie pulled me into a loose quick hug, a rare for her. She gave a fleeting sympathetic smile, then walked over to Emmett seating herself next to him on the expensive couch. Alice danced over and draped herself over me. "Oh, Edward. it's all going to be fine, you two will be so happy together. Bella is going to love her new life." She sparkled at me. I felt sick and glared at the traitorous clock, my stomach gave a lurch, five minutes left. I sank down into the overstuffed chair with a grown and refused to move. I could hear Bella's heart rate increase and smiled. Had my angel looked at a clock the same time as me?

I heard Carlisle give her a reassurance and her muttered reply made me smile, how could someone with so much beauty have so much courage? So much spirit? I sighed, yes she had these things and I was about to take them away from her. Alice placed a loving hand on my shoulder. "Edward you may not believe me now but you will see." I looked up into her solemn eyes, a deep gold. I smiled, "I suppose I'm being silly." I laughed and listened to my angels soft breathing upstairs. "Well, I guess there's no getting around this, time to go up and kiss the bride."

I slid off the chair and made my slow, doomed march up the stairs. The clock, perhaps in apology to the stress it caused me earlier, seemed to slow to a crawl. Emmett stood to stand by my side. His eyes that never seemed to loose there warmth, seemed so much deeper to me in our moment of brotherly compassion. "Edward, she loves you. Everything is going to be OK." He clamped his hand on my shoulder in a way of passing and disappeared out the back door with Rosalie.

Alice swayed over and gave me a peck on the cheek. "Edward, we love you." She too swept out of the room. I looked to the top of the stairs where Carlisle and Esme waited. "She's ready now, Edward." Carlisle's warm voice filled me, giving me new strength. It was times like this I wondered if he had powers similar to Jasper's, only in a lesser form. I glanced over to Esme who was watching me with joy filled eyes. I smiled, this is what she wanted for me. I nearly gave way to hysterical laughter. They all wanted to help me by changing my Bella, by killing her, no one seemed to care what it was really doing to me.

I nodded to them both and made my way the rest of the way up the stairs past them. I heard Esme walk down towards the kitchen, but I knew that Carlisle would stay to make sure that nothing went wrong. More to the point, to make sure I didn't kill her. I wondered idly if her bad luck would continue in her next life. Wondered about her less than graceful movements, her blushes, her heart beat.

I think that if I could, I would cry. I took the last two steps to the door or bedroom and braced myself. I just stood listening to her calm, composed and limited pulse, and I tried my hardest not to think of the pain I was about to put her in.

I took an unnecessary breath, and turned the knob.

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**Well tell me if you like it or not. Little purple button, you could make it into a game.  
I warn you now I'm probably only going to make this a two chapter fic. Perhaps I'll do some kind of sequal if you like it, but this one is only about Edwards veiw on Bella's change. By the way I have no earthly idea weather or not peacocks live in India.**


	2. Living

**Disclaimer**: Still not mine, Darn.

**Well, here we go.**

**--**

I had half wished that the door would stick, delaying me for just one more second. Another second for her to reconsider, but no, it opened smoothly as it always did. She sat there on the side of the bed, her hair was down and she was staring at the carpet. My sweet Angel hadn't heard me come in. "Bella?" I asked softly. She looked up quickly and smiled at me, my heart broke. "Edward," she slid off the bed and ran towards me, I caught her before she could trip. "I know what this means for you, but Edward I love you and your just going to have to get used to the idea that I'm going to be around for eternity now." I smiled my crooked grin at her because this is what she wanted to see, I was dying on the inside. She leaned up to kiss me and I accepted, her soft warm lips on mine made me forget momentarily what was about to take place. I wondered if I continued if I could prolong this moment forever, better than the alternative at least. She had to breath though so I let her go, I sighed. "Bella, are you sure, do you really know what you will become?" She looked annoyed at first but it changed to love again. "Edward, that's enough of the whole evil thing, you are not and have never been evil." She kissed me again, I only wish I could believe her.

There must be other options, I could let her go, but, no, the Volturi would never allow that. I wondered if some greater force was conspiring against me and wracked my brain to find what in my human life I had done to deserve this. She kissed me again and I decided it didn't matter. 'it doesn't matter.' Her words to me that night, before that night it was always possible to leave and never look back, she was right it was too late then. Just as its too late now, I sighed again and took her hands. "Issabella are you absolutely sure you want to do this?" I knew the answer but I had to try, again. She smiled at me, "yes, Edward."

I lead her over to the bed and laid her down gently onto it, oh God, please don't let me kill her! She smiled up at me completely trusting, I just wished I could trust myself. I kissed along her neck, feeling the blood rush just there. Here was the spot, the spot that I needed to kill my beloved. I shivered repulsed by what I was about to do. Who should have to kill there soulmate? For love no less, there must be some kind of irony behind this. I marveled at the fact that my temper was always calmed by her very presence, even if my temper was perfectly reasonable for what I was about to do. Well, here it goes, no hope of redeeming my soul now. Perhaps it was best just to do it fast, though I was sure that is not what Bella wanted. She was probably expecting something a little more romantic than me swooping in, mouth gaping to take a chunk out of her. I started kissing her neck again, blocked the little rational part of me left and exposed my teeth. I didn't even have to try, they just sunk right in like they were meant to be there.

She stiffed against me, a light murmur escaped her lips, surprise? Pain? Please don't let it be pain, but I knew it was. I marveled at how easy it was to resist the blood. I would have thought that I would be eating her right now, Carlisle would be pulling me off as she screamed in pain holding the ruined artery. I smiled and thanked what ever fortune I still had that I at least had this comfort, I could resist killing my wife, score one for Edward. Her body suddenly convulsed and I realized I had been neglecting my duty to stare at her human body for the last time. I quickly bit both her wrist and ankles, her screams were escalating. Panic began to take my mind, and the calm that had fallen over me at the sight of her was fading fast. What have I done! Carlisle walked in and quickly put straps around her arms, legs and neck so she didn't injure herself and then started her on the morphine drip. I meanwhile was loosing it fast. I've doomed her! Her sweet innocent little soul, gone, gone forever! I began pacing again. Then the screaming started.

I fell to the floor, "BELLA, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry." I'd done this to her, taken her life and gave her this cursed existence, this is where my selfishness had lead me. I had thought it so entertaining before, like a child who was stealing a cookie. I knew it was wrong but without serious consequences, I'd just seriously escalated the situation. Nothing in all my one-hunded and ten years was as bad as what I had done tonight in this room. As the clesh'e goes, I've created a monster. "EDWARD!" Her agonized scream pierced through the shadows of my mind leaving a lance of fire in it's wake. I ran to her side and stared down into her tear filled eyes, already turning red around the edges. Another violent tremor rocked her body and she let out a moan. "Bella, I'm here, I'll always be here." At least this I could do for her, I may be a monster, I may have turned her into one. But I could still love her and I could be here for her, for and eternity if that is what she wanted. But if the time came... Could I let her go? Why these thoughts!? Why now!? No, Bella wouldn't leave me and I in turn would never leave her.

She let out another pained cry, I squeezed her hand. The rest of our family gathered around I could here that there thoughts were not completely focused on my Angel, they were worried about me too. Carlisle was the most concerned for me, it bothered me that anyone would care more for me than her. She was the one in pain, my darling things will be so new for you. Will you like them? Will you hate me for what I've done to you? The thought sent a shock of pain down my spine. Would she? It was possible, once she found how awful the thirst was? Never seeing her family again? Thirty years from now when her father lay dying in his sterile hospital bed, would she curse me for not being able to see him? Hate me for not letting her get to say her good-byes? She thought it was over, a clean break, as I had so cruelly said. Thought that she was ready to let them go forever. But to know your parents are dying. The finality of it, the last chance. Yes, she would hate me, how could she not? But perhaps we would move on, Would it make our relationship stronger, to know we got through that?

Alice looked up at me, she looked pained. I could see the fuzzy remnants of a vision, Bella in my arms on a sunny porch somewhere, our skin sparkling and our laughter ringing in the still air. She was wearing a wedding dress. How many years could have passed? I saw nothing but love in her eyes, but why did Alice look so sad? Ah, yes, we were alone in that little house by the shore, a little hose where we could be so happy. "We'll return Alice, we will always come back." Alice smiled and squeezed Jasper tighter. Together forever, I was just starting to realize that that didn't have to be a bad thing. I stared down at the love of my life again and she smiled at me, true it was more of a grimace but I still knew, yes, together forever.

Through the entire three days of her transformation I never did leave her side, not an inch did I move. We stared into each others eyes, while the tears stopped and the irises turned red. Never more Did I feel that we knew each other more than I did after those days. I still blame myself for what I've done to her and I always will, but I feel it's a guilt I can live with, for eternity.

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**Well, now that that's over I can get back to Vanished.  
Tell me if you want me to continue with Bella's story as a vampire.**


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